Jan 1 - How much do you need to know to be an auctioneer? Lots...
Jan 2 - If a police man is in a tree - is he a member of special branch?
Jan 3 - If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his
wages?
Jan 4 - I woke up the other day and realised I had writen
the lord of the rings during the night - I must have been tolkien in my sleep...
Jan 5 - Two ships recently collided in the English channel,
one was carrying blue paint and the other was carrying red - the crews were marooned...
Jan 6 - A man broke his ankle tap dancing recently - he
fell in the sink...
Jan 7 - Patient "Doctor I can't stop singing 'the green
green grass of home" Doctor "It sounds to me like TomJonesitis" Patient "Is it common?" Doctor "It's not unusual"...
Jan 8 - What do you call a well bahaved snake? - A civil
serpent...
Jan 9 - Glassblowing gets on my nerves - it's a pane in
the ass
Jan 10 - How do crazy people get around town? - On a psychopath
Jan 11 - An unemployed jester is nobody's fool...
Jan 12 - Whats the best way into Bill Gates house? Use
windows...
Jan 13 - A man goes to the doctors with a banana in one
ear and an apple in one ear, he asks "Doctor, what's wrong with me?" the doctor tells him "you're not eating right"
Jan 14 - I had a weird dream the other night where there
were a load of flying colours, it was scary - but I knew it was only a pigment of my imagination
Jan 15 - A peanut was in a police station - turns out it
was assualted...
Jan 16 - Patient "Doctor I think i'm shrinking!" Doctor
"You'll just have to be a little patient"
Jan 17 - Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? The parrots
ate em all...
Jan 18 - A bloke came to the house tryin to sell us venetian
blinds - we turned him down because he seemed a bit shady...
Jan 19 - I can't go near the bank any more - I get
withdrawal symptoms...
Jan 20 - Never play cards at the zoo - it's full of cheetahs
Jan 21 - Are dog biscuits made with collie flour?
Jan 22 - A new dinosaur has been discovered - it was thought
to just sit around contemplating life - it has been named the philosoraptor...
Jan 23 - Where does a frog get money from? The riverbank...
Jan 24 - How does Bob Marley like doughnuts? With Jammin...
Jan 25 - A shepherd was taking sheep through town,
he got a ticket for making a ewe turn...
Jan 26 - Torches can be made to be quite heavy - but they're
always light...
Jan 27 - An x-ray specialist just asked out one of
my friends - I wonder what he saw in her...
Jan 28 - What's the difference between zombies? Zombies
make honey and zombies dont...
Jan 29 - You hear about the guy who drowned in his
muesli? He got pulled under by the strong currants...
Jan 30 - What did the artist do before he died? He drew his last breath...
Jan 31 - Police are looking for a man who is threatening people by lighting
matches at them - they want to catch him before he strikes again...
Feb 1 - Turkeys and chickens are the most disrespectful birds apparently
- probably because of their fowl language...
Feb 2 - The best way to make holy water - boil the hell out of it...
Feb 3 - Why did the lobster blush? Because the seaweed...(Thanks
to Tash.E)
Feb 4 - My friend went to a seafood party - she pulled a mussel...
Feb 5 - Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?...
Feb 6 - If you don't pay an exorcist, do you get repossessed?
Feb 7 - Did you hear about the man who fell into a machine in an upholsters?
He's fully recovered...
Feb 8 - What fast food do eskimos like? Icebergers...
Feb 9 - I was asked to a fancy dress party not long ago and was told to
go dressed as a chemical, I didn't know how to react...
Feb 10 - Authors tips on writing books - write them underground and you
could get a best cellar...
Feb 11 - If you can hear footsteps in your plumbing - don't worry, someone
probably just left a tap running...
Feb 12 - Never go to a cheap optomotrist - they always cut corneas...
Feb 13 - Never fall in love with a tennis player - love means nothing to
them...
Feb 14 - What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A wooly jumper...
Feb 15 - Why do moon rocks taste better than earth rocks? Because they're
a little meteor...
Feb 16 - There's yet another diet on the market - they say you should go
to any good paint shop, you can get thinner there...
Feb 17 - Zen hotdog sellers can make you one with everything...
Feb 18 - Warning - scientists have recently discovered a disease transmitted
via soft butter, apparently it spreads very easily...
Feb 19 - A paper bag went to the doctor and discovered it has a hereditary
disease - it's mother must have been a carrier...
Feb 20 - What happens if you die in space? You meteor maker...
Feb 21 - If a bath tap breaks, call someone out to fix it - don't fawcet...
Feb 22 - A clown just got fired from the circus - he's suing for funfair dismissal...
Feb 23 - If a pig loses its voice, does it get disgruntled?...
Feb 24 - What kind of ghosts haunt chemical plants? Methylated spirits...
Feb 25 - What do you get if you cross a chicken and a dog? Pooched eggs...
Feb 26 - Have you heard about the new viagra eye-drops? They make you look hard...
Feb 27 - I read in the paper about a raisin that cheated on it's wife - it was
in current affairs...
Feb 28 - What do you call a guy that lies on your doorstep? Matt...
Feb 29 - What do you call an overweight alien? An extra cholesterol...
Mar 1 - When is a door not a door? When it's ajar...
Mar 2 - What do vegetables say before they eat? Lettuce pray...
Mar 3 - I made a joke about religion, and now I'm officially
a sects offender...
Mar 4 - Did you hear about the car with the oak engine? It wooden go...
Mar 5 - What do cows say when their children leave home? Bi, son...
Mar 6 - The duracell rabbit was recently arrested, he was charged with battery...
Mar 7 - What is Dracula's favourite fruit? Necktarines...(Thanks
to Dink)
Mar 8 - Drilling holes is boring...
Mar 9 - A lot of plane pilots have gone on sick leave recently, they all have
flew...
Mar 10 - A vampire goes to a bar and asks for a glass of a-positive blood, the
barman says "Sorry, we don't serve your type here"...
Mar 11 - I want to learn how to make ice-cream, but you have to go to a sundae
school...
Mar 12 - Drink cement and get stoned!
Mar 13 - Ah the fan, what a revolutionary idea...
Mar 14 - A jumper cable walks into a bar, the barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything"...
Mar 15 - Two T.V aerials got married - the ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
was great...
Mar 16 - A sandwich goes into a bar and orders a drink, the barman says "Sorry,
we dont serve food in here"...
Mar 17 - What's black, sticky, and swears a lot? Crude oil...
Mar 18 - Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he was a fungi...
Mar 19 - Apparently steam roller drivers are popular with women - they're big
flatterers...
Mar 20 - Hungry clocks go back four seconds...
Mar 21 - When opticians talk, they make optical allusions...
Mar 22 - A man goes to a psychiatrist wearing only cling film - the psychiatrist
says "Well, I can clearly see your nuts"...
Mar 23 - Crazy lepers lose their heads...
Mar 24 - Blind prostitutes - you've gotta hand it to them...
Mar 25 - Why do bulls have problems with maths? Because they can't cownt...
Mar 26 - A shoe factory recently burnt down - 200 soles were lost...
Mar 27 - A new pop group from praque is becoming more popular - The dixie czechs...
Mar 28 - What is a hookers favourite apple? Cox...
Mar 29 - I dropped a computer on my foot, now it really hertz...
Mar 30 - Butchers vans get jerky if they have no suspension...
Mar 31 - What did the police man say to his stomach? You're under a vest...
Apr 1 - Billy: "Daddy, the invisible man is at the door!"
Dad: "Tell him I can't see him"...
Apr 2 - How do trees comunicate? Moss code...
Apr 3 - What do scientists have for lunch? Fission chips...
Apr 4 - Why did they use windows 2000 as a prison guard? Because it always locks
up...
Apr 5 - I've been thinking up this joke for a fortnight, but the punchline is
still two week...
Apr 6 - People who want real hair without cost just don't want toupée...
Apr 7 - I can row boats, canoe?
Apr 8 - What do you call a hiking nun? A roamin' catholic...
Apr 9 - I got my watch fixed, its about time...
Apr 10 - What kind of dessert always comes back? A boomeringe...
Apr 11 - What do you get when you set fire to rabbits? Hot cross bunnies...
Apr 12 - How do vampires buy things? With blood money...
Apr 13 - Exercise isn't all it's worked out to be...
Apr 14 - On holidays, nuclear physicists go fission...
Apr 15 - I won a world war II gun in a raffle the other day, it was the garand
prize...
Apr 16 - Test tube babies - all they wanted was a womb with a view...
Apr 17 - The latest food craze is Holy takeaways, made by the chipmonks...
Apr 18 - What do birds have for breakfast? Shredded tweet...
Apr 19 - I dreamed I was a car last night. I woke up exhausted...
Apr 20 - Evil monks live in bad habits...
Apr 21 - Who did the zombie take to the cinema? His ghoulfriend...
Apr 22 - What kind of aftershave do genetic scientists wear? Eau de clone...
Apr 23 - Do spiders in corn fields still make cob webs?
Apr 24 - I got a parcel delivered the other day but it was wet - the post office
just said it must have had postage dew...
Apr 25 - Why did the apple stop running around the garden? It ran out of juice...
Apr 26 - American indians once used body parts from killed animals in
their weapons - they were particularly skilled at the bone arrow...
Apr 27 - If a philosopher bought you a drink, wouldn't it machiavelli happy?
Apr 28 - Don't do an art course if you want to join the army, you'll keep drawing
enemy fire...
Apr 29 - Why are people who eat haddock not religious? They don't believe in
cod...(Thanks to Jamie)
Apr 30 - What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shivers? A nervous wreck...
May 1 - Origami masters are easy to beat at poker, they always fold...
May 2 - Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish...
May 3 - Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was paralysed? He's
alright now...
May 4 - What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? Sistermatic...
May 5 - What did the goat say when all it had to eat was brambles?
Thistle do...
May 6 - Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
May 7 - How do vegetables defend themselves? Carrotee...
May 8 - Bored chefs make spaghetti to pasta time away...
May 9 - Arresting pieces of fruit is apparently really hard - they never kumquat-ly
May 10 - How do fleas get from place to place? Itch hiking...
May 11 - I was hoping that some of the jokes this month would atleast get a smile
- but no pun in-ten-did
May 12 - How do estate agents greet each other? "House it going?"...
May 13 - Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana...
May 14 - Mathematician werewolves - at full moon they get a little fourier...
May 15 - A hunter aimed at a flock of mallards, but missed - they all ducked...
May 16 - The sydney opera house is off-quay...
May 17 - If you put beer in a water bed, does it make a foam mattress?
May 18 - Church sermons are just idol gossip...
May 19 - What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh...
May 20 - Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they always keep their
eyes peeled...
May 21 - What flowers do egyptians put in pyramids? Crysanthemummies...
May 22 - What plants need plumbers? Leeks...
May 23 - What insect is most musical? A humbug...
May 24 - What tree has hands? A palm tree...
May 25 - What veg grows well underground? Cellar-y
May 26 - Farmers are actually quite clever - you'll find a lot of them outstanding
in their fields...
May 27 - What do you call recently married spiders? Newly webs...
May 28 - What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato...
May 29 - Why didn't they play cards on noah's ark? All the animals were sitting
on the deck...
May 30 - What do mathematicians make at halloween? Pumpkin pi...
May 31 - What do you call it if someone is murdered with an apple? Malus aforethought...
Jun 1 - The most depressing job must be pillow manufacture - the workers are
always feeling down...
Jun 2 - What type of dog does dracula have? A bloodhound...
Jun 3 - Toilet roll companies have a new money saving scheme, they will stop
perforating the roll, as it is a rip off...
Jun 4 - I saw an elephant in the baggage claim section of the airport the other
day, it was waiting for its trunk...
Jun 5 - What did the pig say on the hot summer day? I'm bacon...
Jun 6 - What type of ghost listens to music constantly? A polka-geist...
Jun 7 - Horseboxes are apparently quite unsafe - they are not stable...
Jun 8 - Hairdressers are proven to be the rudest people, it must be all the cutting
remarks...
Jun 9 - What happens if hells minions hurt themselves at work? They get compensatan...
(Thanks to Greg)
Jun 10 - Industrial cow tippers use bulldozers...
Jun 11 - Someone has recently been taking cats from housing estates - police
are looking for a purr snatcher...
Jun 12 - I hate pantomime horses - those people are making complete foals of
themselves...
Jun 13 - Bar men are always good people to talk to - they lift your spirits...
Jun 14 - Air pollution is a bit of a mist-demeanor...
Jun 15 - What disease can be passed along via books? Le-prose-y
Jun 16 - Maths teachers dont like alcohol much - they prefer not to drink and
derive...
Jun 17 - What do you do with dead chemists? Barium...
Jun 18 - Does the name pavlov ring a bell?...
Jun 19 - What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef...
Jun 20 - Microbiology lab - staph only...
Jun 21 - Beware of witches - they can be crafty...
Jun 22 - Why must witches be in a good mood to fly broomsticks? So they don't
fly off the handle...
Jun 23 - What ghost haunts chicken coops? A poultry geist...
Jun 24 - What did Dracula call his boat? The blood vessel...
Jun 25 - Why couldn't dracula get to sleep? Because of his coffin...
Jun 26 - What do you get when you cross a canary and a mole? A miner bird...
Jun 27 - Why was the broom late? Because it over swept...
Jun 28 - What goes "moo" and beats up lamb chops? Bully beef...
Jun 29 - What do you call a vet with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor...
Jun 30 - Police are looking for a murderer who is covered in cement - they say
he is a hardened criminal...
Jul 1 - What happens with monarchs when they die? They get throne away...
Jul 2 - Whats happens to frogs on double yellow lines? They get toad away...
Jul 3 - Where do gamblers go when they die? Paradice...
Jul 4 - Where did noah keep his bees? In the ark-hives...
Jul 5 - What did the barman say when the ghost walked into the bar? "Sorry sir
we don't serve spirits"...
Jul 6 - What type of pie can fly? A magpie...
Jul 7 - Did you hear about the drunk optician? Two glasses and he made a spectacle
of himself...
Jul 8 - Why did the baker have dirty smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo...(Thanks to Bec)
Jul 9 - What's green and loud? A froghorn...
Jul 10 - Why is the Irish government so rich? Because its capital is always Dublin...
Jul 11 - How did the accountant die? He lost his balance...
Jul 12 - What did the whale say when it swam into a dolphin? I didn't do it on
porpoise...(Thanks to Greg)
Jul 13 - How do you find your nose? It's the scenter of your face...
Jul 14 - What did the fish say when it hit a wall? Dam...
Jul 15 - What hairstyle does the ocean have? Wavy...
Jul 16 - How do you wind up a clock? Call it stupid...
Jul 17 - With technology getting smaller, quartz watches will soon have to become
pintz watches...
Jul 18 - Where do rodents come from? Hamsterdam...
Jul 19 - What do apples have in their mouths? Fruit gums...
Jul 20 - What's musical and useful in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt...
Jul 21 - Why are there no floods in Paris? Because the water is always l'eau...
Jul 22 - Studies have shown that rust is edible, as it is a kind of car-rot...
Jul 23 - A nomadic tree packs up its trunk and leaves...
Jul 24 - Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn't know how to conduct
itself...
Jul 25 - How do rivers have good economies? Because they have two banks...
Jul 26 - Why do cows have cowbells? Because their horns don't work...
Jul 27 - How do prisoners contact each other? With cell phones...
Jul 28 - What clothes will a house wear? Address...
Jul 29 - What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop...
Jul 30 - What do golfers use to play after dark? Night clubs...
Jul 31 - How do dinosaurs pay their bills? With tyranosaurus checks...
Aug 1 - What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cement mixer? A brick
layer...
Aug 2 - How do pigs get to hospital? By hambulance...
Aug 3 - Why were the teachers eyes crossed? Because she couldn't control her
pupils...
Aug 4 - Where do psychics go for parties? To the crystal ball...
Aug 5 - What do evil chickens lay? Devilled eggs...
Aug 6 - What is a tree's favourite drink? Root beer...
Aug 7 - What bird can lift the most? A crane...
Aug 8 - What cats like to go bowling? Alley cats...
Aug 9 - What stops oil sheiks from getting sun burnt? The sun-tan of brunai...
Aug 10 - What do you call a ghost who owns part of a company? A scareholder...
Aug 11 - What is round and bad tempered? A viscious circle...
Aug 12 - What do farm animals do on sundays? Go for pignics...
Aug 13 - My friend says he likes pottery, but I think he's just kiln time...
Aug 14 - A new book is out, detailing all aspects of voyeurism - It's name is
the peeping tome...
Aug 15 - How do elves keep their trains running on time? Using metro-gnomes...
Aug 16 - What did the vulture take with him onto the plane? Carrion luggage...
Aug 17 - What do skunk judges say? Odor in the court...
Aug 18 - What cigarettes did the elephant buy? A pack o' derms...
Aug 19 - What did the cannibals wife give him for dinner when he got home late?
The cold shoulder...
Aug 20 - Police say they are looking for people who removed a large number
of road signs, they say the vandals really pulled out all the stops...
Aug 21 - A bird went to the doctor and was told that it had cancer, but it was
untweetable...
Aug 22 - What is the best way to talk to fish? Drop them a line...
Aug 23 - Olympic runners who take drugs aren't doing much for their track records...
Aug 24 - Office workers in Australia are said to be connected to each other by
the LAN down under...
Aug 25 - A lot of people in theme parks have been complaining recently about
the rides - they say they gave them disney spells...
Aug 26 - Why did sir Lancelot wake up screaming? He had a knightmare...
Aug 27 - People who work extra hours in herbal remedy shops get thyme and a half...
Aug 28 - Fishermen make the worst musicians - They are always out of tuna...
Aug 29 - Fish that keep secrets don't tell a sole...
Aug 30 - What gas will you find in graveyards? Crypton...
Aug 31 - How are seals poetic? Everything they say is "art"...
Sep 1 - Gardeners aren't the kind of people you would want to marry - they are
too rough around the hedges...
Sep 2 - Hotels that make you sleep in the stables don't show much horsepitality...
Sep 3 - Where do vegetables drive? On the dual cabbage way...
Sep 4 - Police are looking for a carpenter who may have been kidnapped, he was
said to have varnished without a trace...
Sep 5 - What do you call a drummer without a kit? A dead beat...
Sep 6 - Why did the priest go to the gym? To excorcise...
Sep 7 - Why did the chicken go to clown college? To be a hentertainer...
Sep 8 - A large number of lamps have been stolen from a shop in town, police
can't shed any light on the subject...
Sep 9 - A new diet has been suggested, scientists say that eating only cheese
can make you cheddar few pounds...
Sep 10 - A thief stole a calendar from a home recently, he got 12 months...
Sep 11 - Why do you need to be careful measuring ingredients for cakes? There
is little margerine for error...
Sep 12 - I meant to buy some trousers today but I was too late, I forgot
to check the shops clothing times...
Sep 13 - Why did the truant kid take a rope to school? To skip class...
Sep 14 - I entered an archery contest not long ago, I won by an arrow margin...
Sep 15 - Don't get on dogs nerves, you will get a cross-breed...
Sep 16 - Boxers don't make good friends, they are very tight fisted...
Sep 17 - Why did the eagle and the hawk argue? They had a difference of a pinion...
Sep 18 - Two dogs fought, and had a bone of contention...
Sep 19 - What do topsoil salesmen get at the end of the month? Paydirt...
Sep 20 - Directors have recently announced that old dracula movies may be re-vamped...
Sep 21 - If cooking alphabet soup on the hob, always supervise it, or it could
spell disaster...
Sep 22 - One handed clock makers can't make watches with a second hand...
Sep 23 - Where did billy the squid live? In the O.K coral...
Sep 24 - The view across the grand canyon is reportedly gorge-ous at this time
of year...
Sep 25 - Amusement parks dont have engineers, they have spin doctors...
Sep 26 - Doctors say a good diet should be eaten off plates with four corners,
as square meals are good for you...
Sep 27 - Two silk worms had a race, it ended in a tie...
Sep 28 - Archery is the study of arrow dynamics...
Sep 29 - Why did the mouse shine his shoes? To keep them squeaky clean...
Sep 30 - Why do lots of maths teachers wear glasses? They improves division...
Oct 1 - Cardboard belts - a waist of paper...
Oct 2 - What do you call a spanish government worker? A Seville servant...
Oct 3 - It was a pity I failed chemistry, but I was obviously out of
my element...
Oct 4 - Tourists say that Cuba is a great place to visit, everyone there is Havana
good time...
Oct 5 - Some weddings can be so emotional, that even the cakes will be in tiers...
Oct 6 - Acupuncturists deserve the money they get for a jab well done...
Oct 7 - What punctuation to prisoners like? The full stop, it marks the end of
their sentences...
Oct 8 - A group of criminals went to play golf, but they didn't play the fairway...
Oct 9 - Insomnia sufferers sleep on the edge of the bed, they soon drop off...
Oct 10 - Talk about computers makes my mother board...
Oct 11 - When human cannonballs quit their jobs, it's hard to find another worker
of the same calibur...
Oct 12 - Someone has been stealing coffee from canteens, police are looking for
a mugger...
Oct 13 - Why do butchers never put meat on high shelves? Because the steaks would
be too high...
Oct 14 - What did the nut say when it robbed the bank? Give me all the cashew
have!...
Oct 15 - Decorators don't get drunk, they get plastered...
Oct 16 - Moon gazing can make an optimist of anyone, you always look at the bright
side...
Oct 17 - What is the most threatening fish in the ocean? The codfather...
Oct 18 - Why do chicken coups have 2 doors? Because if there were 4 it would
be a chicken sedan...
Oct 19 - What make-up do ghosts where? Ma-scare-r...
Oct 20 - What monster can go in a washing machine? A wash and wear wolf...
Oct 21 - Where do egyptians with bad backs go? The Cairo-practor...
Oct 22 - What does beethoven do these days? Decompose...
Oct 23 - Why are electricians so intelligent? They keep up with current events...
Oct 24 - Why did the maths book go to the psychiatrist? It had a lot of problems...
Oct 25 - Why did the full stop cry? Its dad was in the pen...
Oct 26 - What do you call a laughing motorbike? A yamahahaha...
Oct 27 - Why did the chocolate go to school? It wanted to be a smarty...
Oct 28 - Why are saturday and sunday so strong? Because the rest are all weekdays...
Oct 29 - Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of trousers...
Oct 30 - Where do birds go for coffee? A nest-café...
Oct 31 - What do cars do at discos? Brake dance...
Nov 1 - Why wasn't the butterfly invited to the party? It was a moth ball...
Nov 2 - Who operates on fish? A sturgeon...
Nov 3 - Why do a lot of archaeologists go bankrupt? Their careers are in ruins...
Nov 4 - What happened when the boy swallowed a key? He got lockjaw...
Nov 5 - Where do fortune tellers go on holiday? Palm beach...
Nov 6 - Why did the owl become a comedian? His friends said he was a hoot...
Nov 7 - Why did the eagle go to church? It was a bird of pray...
Nov 8 - Where do butchers go to party? The meat ball...
Nov 9 - What lesson are snakes good at in school? Hissssstory...
Nov 10 - Where do malards go when they catch a cold? The ducktor...
Nov 11 - What painter was always ill? Vincent van cough...
Nov 12 - Do backward poets write inverse?...
Nov 13 - Where do you find giant snails? On the end of giant sfingers...
Nov 14 - What does a houseboat become when it grows up? A township...
Nov 15 - What do you get when you cross the m1 with a bicycle? Run over...
Nov 16 - Where do fencers go at mid-day? Out for lunge...
Nov 17 - What do you call a pumpkin that plays rugby? A jock-o-lantern...
Nov 18 - What do french houses have coated on the walls? Plaster of paris...
Nov 19 - How was iron discovered? Someone smelt it...
Nov 20 - What are Belgian girl guides called? Brussels scouts...
Nov 21 - What do you call a part time band leader? A semi-conductor...
Nov 22 - An ill fisherman swapped his hot dog for a seagull, apparently he has
taken a tern for the wurst...
Nov 23 - When do cannibals leave the table? After everyone's eaten...
Nov 24 - What's irish and sits in your garden? Paddy O'furniture...
Nov 25 - A wig makers shop was burgled, police say they are combing the area...
Nov 26 - What is a ghosts favourite food? Halloweiners...
Nov 27 - Where do sheep get their hair cut? A baa baa shop...
Nov 28 - What beer do vampires drink? Bloodweiser...
Nov 29 - What do you call a conceited watch? A bit clocky...
Nov 30 - What do you call an elephants skin doctor? A pachydermatologist...
Dec 1 - What do you call an insane teddy? A bipolar bear...
Dec 2 - With stock prices constantly changing, feathers are currently down...
Dec 3 - What blood types do pessimists have? B-Negative...
Dec 4 - What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast
beef...
Dec 5 - Scientists say that sunbathing is linked to literacy, it helps if you
are well-red...
Dec 6 - Are scarecrows always garden crops?
Dec 7 - How do fishermen connect their pcs? On a pier to pier network...
Dec 8 - Clock makers don't get mad, they just get ticked off...
Dec 9 - It is impossible to win a fight against a washing machine - people always
throw in the towel...
Dec 10 - Two old bricks argue, one says to the other - I'm not lichen you mate...
(Thanks to Beard)
Dec 11 - What did the beaver say to the tree? Nice gnawing you...
Dec 12 - Have you heard about the man with 5 penises? His pants fit like a glove...
Dec 13 - Did you hear about the dog that entered the flea circus? It stole the
show...
Dec 14 - What do you call a cowboy dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Tex...
Dec 15 - How do you make an egg laugh? Tell it a yolk...
Dec 16 - What's grey, honks, and lives in Washington? The presidential seal...
Dec 17 - Did you hear about the fish that got threatening letters in the post?
It was Haike mail...
Dec 18 - Why did the mummy rope tell off the baby rope? It was knotty...
Dec 19 - How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her...(Thanks
to Rhys.W)
Dec 20 - Computer experts warn
of a new virus called Adam And Eve - they say it could take a few bytes out of your apple...
Dec 21 - Why do people order coffee with complicated names? It's how they espresso
themselves...
Dec 22 - What do you call a good quality french wine? Plasterer of Paris...
Dec 23 - What do you call a sun tanned maths teacher? A tan gent...
Dec 24 - I've only just understood some of these jokes, I've had an epi-funny...
Dec 25 - What cheese is made backwards? Edam...
Dec 26 - Why was the accountant constipated? He couldn't budge it...
Dec 27 - Which is the least holy bone in the body? The blas-femur...
Dec 28 - What does a priest make if he stutters? A clerical error...
Dec 29 - What keeps a dock above water? Pier pressure...
Dec 30 - What did one stick of
plutonium say to the other? I've got my ion you...
Dec 31 - I met the worlds most
average person, he was really mean...
Right well I'm bloody glad that's over with, I'm sick to death of puns now - but I hope you spread
this misery around.
If you have made anyone atleast half as sick of jokes as this has made me I'm sure my work has been successful,
if there is anyone out there who has actually read all of these then thankyou very much and get a life.
Good bye and happy new year, I'll be sure to think twice if any new years resolutions cross my mind this
time.
Shalom y'all.
